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Jokes featuring Arbiters!!

A lawyer and your mother-in-law are both drowning in a swollen river.  Which would you chose, Black or White for the top seed?

The arbiter pinned up the calendar of events it was a sign of things to come.

Diplomacy: The art of saying Of course, Sir, until you can find a brick to hit the player with.

Arbiting is a bit like cosmetic surgery a lot of people turn their noses up!

How did the arbiter save the obnoxious player from drowning. He took his foot off his head.

What is an arbiters favourite film about broken analogue clocks?  Gone with the Wind (Think about it)

An irate player stuffs a lettuce down an arbiters throat until only a small leaf remains visible. But thats just the tip of the iceberg!

A chess master died - after a few days, an arbiter friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really wonderful here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, Fischer, they're all here, and I can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You are the arbiter for Botvinnik v Capablanca on Saturday."

Q: What is the difference between a large pizza pie and a professional International Arbiter?
A: A large pizza pie can feed a family of four.

Player Why do the entry fees keep going up?

Arbiter The price of chess sets has gone up across-the-board.

A drunk walks up to the control desk at a chess tournament and asks very loudly for a doner kebab and chips.  The bemused arbiter replies Sorry sir, this is a chess tournament.  Oh, Im sorry, says the drunk before saying very quietly Can I have a large doner kebab and chips please.

A woman goes to the doctor to collect her test results.  Ive got bad news for you, said the doctor. Youve only got six months to live. I suggest you take up chess and marry a plump arbiter.  Will that help? asks the woman. No, says the doctor, But it will make the six months seem much longer.

A funeral procession makes its way down the road. Six close members of the family are carrying the coffin between them and on top of the casket are a chess board, set and clock. A passer-by remarks, "He must have been a very keen chess player." "Oh, he still is," comes the reply from a local. "He's off to the tournament as soon as they've buried his wife!!"

A few arbiters were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one arbiter responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied: "Of course sleep is a factor. The only time Im not eating is when Im sleeping!"

How do you know when a player is about to say something smart? - He starts his sentence with "An arbiter once told me..."

Arbiter: If I agreed with you we would both be wrong.

A bus station is where the bus stops and the train station is where the train stops. At the arbiters desk there is a work station

An arbiter someone who makes the players feel at home, and wishes they were!

How many chess players does it take to change a light bulb?

Nine.
One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1962 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the light bulb.

Q. What's the difference between an arbiter and a motorway construction worker?
A. A construction worker moves every now and then.

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